Opinion · Opinion
The least exciting Tesla is the one that might matter
No launch stunt can make a taxi interesting. That is the Cybercab’s secret and its risk.
A useful robotaxi should be boring. You should forget you were in it. Tesla is constitutionally incapable of boring, so it built a gold coupe with theater doors and then asked the world to treat it like infrastructure.
That tension is the coverage. Enthusiasts wanted a sports car with no driver — a punchline that is also a wish. What they are getting is a sealed appliance that seats two and costs, Tesla hopes, less than a loaded Civic to make. The lightbar is pretty. The carpet is not. The product is the carpet.
If you need a car to be a personality, the Cybercab will feel like a slight. If you need to get across Austin without parking, it might feel like the first Tesla that was honest about what the company is for. Not a lifestyle. A ride. The Sept. 3 event will try to make it a lifestyle anyway. Watch the doors. Ignore the soundtrack. Ask whether you would sit in it the second time, when nobody is filming.
